So we think we know, yet we have no idea.

Another clichee night in empty Brussels. This town has such an ambivalent appearance that it organically confuses me. Full of people, yet dry of feelings.

And I find myself in front of an empty screen facing a white keyboard. I read just the other days a writer’s confessions about the intimacy she shares with an empty sheet of paper and her pen curving thoughts, curving words upon the sheet. And where do I stand? Just in the middle of the fear to start writing again and the agonising eager pain to write again.

I read and I travelled lately, only to achieve a certain degree of peace with what I so affectionately call “my demons”. Well, the summer seems such a waste of feelings and of questioning. Neither affection, nor answers come back to the sender.

I guess I’m truly about to abandon my better half. It might not instantly be that kind of verbal, ear-hurting and heartbreaking separation, but for sure something is breaking inside of me day by day. And I reached such an EQ that now I don’t even panic or get depressed or… try to save anything. I’m in the “acceptance” stage. It might just have never worked out, right?

This night in Brussels is embrassing me with its couldy stars, its immigrants and its passion to send me back home. Just to have another situation to escape from. To run from.

My muscles, be it intellectual or sentimental ones, are physically tired of running from and running towards. There is surely no one to catch me once I reach the deadline. Just my shadow probably.

The thing that amazes me the most is that this time it gets broken from the inside and not from the outside. The emptiness of truly being alone, under the title of being in a couple. We might just have different definitions of the word “couple”. What’s sure is that the definition that doesn’t meet my expectation started bothering me like those sour pickles stinging your tongue when they turn out to be much more intense and sour than you would’ve expected.

I check and refresh and press F5 and nothing comes up. No news, no kind words, no unwrapped gifts, no serenades in my Inbox. This might as well be one of those nights when we all play the silent music. Some of us being just busy, and some of us being just homeless.

I solely don’t want to go against nature and its on attraction force. I cannot ask for more than the present law of attraction. I might trigger an ideological war in between researchers and lawyers, and we don’t want that, do we? So I guess I’ll just stop asking. ‘Cause for sure we ain’t getting more than we already did.

And each of us will leave this vivid circus with a mere satisfaction, be it whatever. And then… where’s the courage to end it all?

I thought I knew, but I really have no idea.

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