We all have a David…

… to ask: ‘What’s happiness to you?’

‘Cause lately I doubt I know what happiness is for me. And every time I doubt, all its friends come right around the corner: fear, misfortune, 3 years of bad luck and eventually failure.

It’s been such a long time since I’ve actually written something meaningful. And no one to share it with. It feels like the surgeon lost his 10 blade. And the dogs just keep on howling at the doors of doom. At the doors of the non-believers.

And then, silently crawling under the door, here she comes. The big question: what have I become? Sometimes I don’t know this person that’s living inside of me. But that should be alright, from time to time. Each effect is preceded by a cause.

And the cause lies deep down inside. Change took place for a greater reason, right? To become more loveable, more suitable, easier to be accepted. And then I got lost in translation. Somehow, it’s not even about failure this time, is about not knowing the purpose of this change that happened in me.

What have I become? And for what? I want to feel that life is running through these veins, and crawls all the way up to my heart, making it pump beyond control, over-paced. I want my hand to be held when I lost faith, when I am scared. And when I am weak. I don’t want to lower my emotional standards. I don’t want to ask for less, in order to be amazed with what I’m getting. It doesn’t work this way. It shouldn’t!

So doubt calls in for another friend: resent. I resent the situation I am in right now, but I manifest the stubbornness of a drunk donkey to believe that if I put in a little bit more effort, a little bit more patience, a little more faith… it will all come together. Sooner or later. I keep on walking like in a commercial. All along thinking that this is typical for my youth. ‘You have to give it one more try! You have to give it a real try this time. You have to stick to the *plan*. No pain, no gain.’ – this almost follows me like the post-its on the mirror each morning. But instead of ‘Smile, wear clean underwear. Floss twice’, I find a different kind of post-it on my mirror. It simply says: Close your eyes.

I tried to become a better person, a better woman. For the bad people out there, waiting to eat you alive. And I succeeded in so many ways, that it overwhelms me. One year ago, I never thought I could abandon so much. I don’t feel like a victim, nor like a winner. So I’ve must have gone wrong somewhere in between.

All this time you held the gun. And I pulled the trigger… David.

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