For the love of writing.

Short-memory off(ice)spring. I seem to have these one-minute revelations and if not written down, they totally elude me. Could it be that they are not sound, nor too personal revelations? Might it be that these are “borrowed” revelations?

Rejection. Rejecting my past for it has been a glorious time. I used to be thorough and working hard. And shining. Sometimes I believe I’m living someone else’s life – it’s easier to explain the failure this way. I wonder where it all went. Down the drain, right?

I used to love my life, my work, my friends, my activities. Now it’s all almost mechanical. I take no pleasure in doing anything. Other times I think that this is my chance to really prove myself and become a winner. It’s not about the times you shine, but about the times you go back shining again after things have tried so hard to put you down. Yeah, probably this is another lesson I have to learn.

Nowadays I’m trying so hard to be authentic, and this is exactly what’s going wrong. Authenticity shouldn’t require an effort, but flow naturally. I’m walking down the path of self-recognition and self- possession. Damn this blurry road. Sometimes I wonder if I’m going nuts just because I forget things, way too many things. And also because I became too judgMENTAL. I’m hard on myself and on others. I remember I wasn’t so opinionated before.

And another thing. My friends tell me that I’m “over-analyzing” shit. True, completely true. It’s the thought that deprives the action. I became bitter also because I’m thinking too much about the consequences now. Earlier in my life, but not too long ago, these would be bonus points (i.e. the consequences), not frighting, close-to-stop-breathing moments. It must be a melange of: being afraid (society vs. I: 1-0), assessing the probable results, scarce resources, losing faith, lack of courage, and… idleness.

At this point in my life I believe that just through work, hard work, I could come into the light again. Consuming, workaholic, burning-out, your-fingers-hurt activity. Draining all the spleen out of me. I have to give my 110%.

To simply gather the power to walk that extra mile.